Wassup, guys!! Welcome back I am again in front of you with all new stuff of one liners. You must enjoyed my previous post 50+ Funniest One Liners Jokes to Make you Laugh… . This is extension version of the older post. Enjoy!!!
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet
- The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble. 2493
- God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are s*xy.
- Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
- Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- Fighting for peace is like fu*king for virginity.
- If s*x is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
- If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
- Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
- The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- Having s*x is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she’s interested in,
she said: Cheque books. - The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the
prices of new car. - What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into
men when they drink. - What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. - Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute
and then expects your pulse to be normal. - Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on
the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat. - Q: Why dogs don’t marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life! - Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and
closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly. - We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.